The older we get, it’s easy to think we know it all. Or that we know more about most things.
These wrinkles are proof of my learning and wisdom, surely?
But sometimes it’s best to practice ‘Don’t Know Mind’, or ‘Beginner’s Mind’.
It’s refreshing, and it might be the best way to really see or hear what’s right in front of you. To drop everything you think you already know, and to be open to a situation. As if it’s for the first time.
To see the one you’ve loved for decades, standing here in the kitchen, as they make toast. To experience it as it truly is in this moment, bathed in rare afternoon sunlight that highlights their silver beard.
Or to notice the way your teenager guides you through a new mobile phone layout, with a confident swagger that’s new this Summer.
Or to marvel at how calmly your dog negotiates a noisy group in a cafe, despite the reactive behaviour the shelter warned you about, when you first rescued them.
Don’t Know Mind allows a tiny gap for wonder, or appreciation.
It’s also an incredibly powerful thing to help you really listen to someone, and what they’re actually telling you. It might also help you to pick up on what they’re not telling you.
As a Celebrant, I practice ‘Don’t Know Mind’ every time I meet a new couple or family. Before I knock on their door, for our first meeting, I consciously drop everything I think I know about the perfect Wedding, or Funeral. I let go of any expectations that I may have, of what they will need from me or the service I’m taking for them.
I am passionate about my work in this profession and have the reassurance of several years caring for hundreds of families, and creating beautiful ceremonies for them.
But before I meet someone new, I put that to one side, and prepare to listen openly, with my full attention.
It’s important for me to understand everything I can about the life stories and Love Stories of everyone I meet.
Whether I’m crafting a Wedding to celebrate a deep and abiding love, or preparing a funeral to truly honour all that a person has meant to their loved ones; each story is different.
Working like this enables me to listen deeply to the details that matter, to understand how best I can help and support the amazing human beings who are trusting me with this most important ritual in their lives.
Then I can offer my best work, drawing on the many things I do know, and all the experiences I have. Including those life stories of my own, that have earned my wrinkles…
But I’m responding to what is needed in each individual case. I never assume I already know what is best for any couple or family.
It’s been a huge privilege to work as a Celebrant in recent years, and I continue to hone and polish my craft with each family that I care for. and learn from. That always begins with ‘Don’t Know Mind’.
Try it for yourself, at home or at work, or if you’re watching the England Football game tonight. Just because the last game was a bit dull, don’t assume it will be the same tonight. They might be spectacular!
Jude Bellingham could make our hearts full of joy… Let’s practice ‘Beginner’s Mind’, and watch the game as if it was the first time we’d ever seen a football game. Although that might make the Offside rule even trickier to understand…
(*Frank Ostaseski is a wonderful teacher and writer, whose book ‘The Five Invitations’ I reread every year. One of the Invitations focuses on ‘Don’t Know Mind’, so you can read more about this idea in his compassionate, wise words.)
Photo thanks to Ádám Berkecz on Unsplash